Dear Diary,

I finally got a new bed! It comes in next week. I ordered the mattress and bed frame off of Amazon with Prime. So glad I invested in it. I also went to TjMaxx yesterday and got bed sheets, a comforter set and four pillows. I freaking love TjMaxx!!

My theme color for the bed is light green and a mauve purple. The bed frame is beige. I'm thinking of putting fairy lights over the top of the frame and getting a tapestry to hang right above it. Pinterest is my friend right now.

I still live with my parents unfortunately. I think that's what is normal for this generation, especially with inflation. I also imagined myself at twenty six in my apartment, lounging on the couch while watching TV and eating Chinese food out of a carton. Screw you 2000's rom coms for making me believe my 20's would be like that. Still love them though.

I'm torn between getting an apartment somewhere or getting a new car. The car would probably be used...We will see how that goes. I've always wanted to move to California since I was a kid. I even tried to go at eighteen, but I had other things I wanted to do at that time. I tried again when I met my best friend who lives in Cali, but that didn't work out either. I keep thinking that maybe I'm not meant to move there? Or maybe I wasn't meant to move at those times. 

I know I want to live somewhere sunny and warm year round, dry heat, being able to swim in the ocean or pool and learn to surf but I also love fall weather. Wearing a sweater and sweat pants, cuddled up under the blankets at home and lighting candles that smell like vanilla and cinnamon. I don't really like city life, but I don't want to be too rural where I can't get access to anything. I do love small town vibes, I can walk to stores and visit cute shops and get a matcha whenever I wanted. 

If you guys know where I can find something like that please let me know. I could really use the help.   

 

Dear Diary,

 Sorry for not updating for a couple of days. I've been working and just too exhausted to do anything. I'm thinking of going on a weekend spa getaway, but I have no idea where to go or anyone to go with. It just doesn't seem practical and I don't feel like I have the time or energy. I'm noticing though that work is taking a toll on my physical and mental health again, which makes me angry at myself that I can't make time for myself and self care because I'm physically exhausted and in pain. 

Then I get overstimulated at trying to plan time for myself and I just push it off. Money is also an issue. I'm trying to save so I can move out but also pay off debt and my credit card. I want to buy a new bed because the one I'm sleeping on right now has been hurting my body for months. I also want to see the Jonas Brothers in concert again for the Burnin Up All Over Again tour in NJ in December. I saw them opening night at MSG last month which was crazy I even got tickets for that. But I want to see them again! 

I also want to get back into dancing, take classes and enjoy the feeling of dance again. I have so much I want to do but I am so overstimulated I feel like I can't do any of it. I don't know if that makes any sense or if I'm just being a cry baby. 

P.S. I'm listening to Heat by Chris Brown right now and yes I'm crying... this is pretty normal for me at this point. 

 

Dear Diary,

 

I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now, blogging for the first time ever. I come here so much they basically know who I am. As I'm writing, Pocket Full of Sunshine starts playing. The vibes are immaculate right now!! I know I was born in the year 2000 but sometimes I wish I was a teen back then to experience life when doomscrolling wasn't the norm. I genuinely loved when social media wasn't a thing, even though I was just a kid. My generation grew up in the rise of new technology, but we also grew up with what the late 90s kids had, or even what are parents had because it was just that era of living. 

Us 2000's kids understand what its like to grow up without and iPad or and iPhone because we were there when it came out. We were the last generation to have physical media! It's insane to me that the newer generations will never understand what it was like to live life during that age. Nostalgia for my childhood has been hitting me so hard lately and it makes me physically ill sometimes. I remember sitting in my room playing with my pink DS playing Barbie the Horse Riding game. If ykyk what I'm talking about. Gameboy, playing Mario Bros! Ugh... anything Mario was my all time favorite game to play as a kid,

Even computer games, like Club Penguin, Wizard 101, Purble House, Webkinz?! The world slowly lost its whimsy and it took ours along with it. We used to be so imaginative, like anything was possible. "But Alexis, that's what happens when you grow up-", OH BULLSHIT. I'm tired of everyone saying that. We deserve to live the way we want. Let your inner child out! I was always told the way my mind worked, how I acted was 'too much' for people. No one understood me and I believed for a long time that it was a bad thing. 

Don't get me wrong, growing up back then wasn't for the weak, we all got bullied. I remember in school all of the anti bullying campaigns we'd have. It was a time that's for sure. Even through all the bullying and being told I'll never make it in life, or the struggles at home in my family life, somehow I still managed to have a semi good childhood. Through all the days and nights I cried to myself in my room asking God to take away the pain, I still had good moments. Moments I wish I could relive and stay there for a while. 

If you are feeling the same way as me, you're not alone. Nostalgia is a bitch. We should be grateful for it though. It just means we experienced beautiful things that we can always look back on. A specific song or a scent can instantly bring you back to the past which I've always found so fascinating. I have this problem of holding onto things for too long. I never really give myself a chance to move on because I don't want lose the good things because I know I'll never get it back. And if by some miracle I do get it back? It was because I didn't learn my lesson the first time. We are always growing and evolving. We can miss things but we can't stay stuck in the past, no matter how much we want too, or how easy it is. Growth is hard but it doesn't have to be difficult. 

I think we forgot how to have fun. I really hope that our generation isn't "cooked". I hope we can still fix it and show our children and grandchildren a world where we don't have to worry so much. If you read this far, congratulations you just won a brand new car!! 

Haha, just kidding- got ya ;)